Scottish Nous

WTF?

The Worst Argument Ever for the Divine Authorship of Scripture

I give you, for your amusement, an excerpt from the preface of John W. Haley's Alleged Discrepancies of the Bible:

The author was moved to prepare and publish the present volume by the circulation of a pamphlet, in a certain parish, setting forth in a striking and plausible manner the so-called "self-contradictions of the Bible."  This production, cunningly adapted to deceive the ignorant and unwary, was reviewed by me in a course of Sabbath-evening lectures, which form the nucleus of the present work.  The pamphlet just mentioned, with many others of a similar character, I afterwards found to be the fruits of an organized and systematic plan to poison the public mind by scattering broadcast, in the cars and upon steamboats, and in other places of public resort, as well as through the mails, a cheap and virulent infidel literature.  That these nefarious attempts result, in far too many cases, in subverting the religious faith and the morals of the young, there can be no question.  And the means employed by the friends of virtue for exposing and defeating these "devices of Satan" seem, I regret to say, less efficient than is desirable.

The preface is thoroughly populated with references to infidels.  Haley is "hard core".  At least, that is how my girlfriend pithily described the overbearing calvinistic tones up to the glorious loss of the soul even to which the Almighty God has decreed that the "discrepancies"  be "permitted to exist" within the canon.  Yet perhaps the most amusing portion of the book consists of one argument, given in the chapter "Design of the Discrepancies", for the inclusion  of countless prima facie inconsistencies.  I quote:

In nature, then, we perceive mighty discords, tremendous antagonisms, which in appearance seriously involve and militate against the character and attributes of God.  Nevertheless, nature is confessedly his work.  Now, we find the Bible claiming the same supernatural origin, and exhibiting, among other features of resemblance, similar, though far less important, discrepancies; hence these latter afford a valid presumption in favor of its claim.

Permit me to summarize this argument:  The world is areally shitty place, yet God nevertheless created the world.  God is, therefore, the creator of a piece of pretty shitty work.  The Bible also appears to be piece of pretty shitty work.  Therefore, God is probably responsible for it.

Cognitive Abuse

So I was supplied, last night, with a copy of Touchstone magazine.  Patrick Henry Reardon, the senior editor of the magazine, published one of his parashioners letters, a gesture that can only be taken as a token of praise for the perverse and despicable speech acts cited in the contents quoted below:

Every Friday night in Oak Park, a small group of anti-war protesters gathers in front of the Presbyterian church to hold up signs and sing sentimental songs from the sixties.  My family and I were off to the movies to celebrate our son's eighteenth birthday.  The drive took us past the protesters, and since we were stopped at the light, we found ourselves reading their signs.

"Violence Never Solved Anything!" proclaimed one.  "It solved Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Libyan-based terrorism, and the Taliban," I suggested to my companions.

"Who Would Jesus Bomb?" asked another.  "Sodom and Gomorrah," answered my son.

It was a Proverbs 22:6 kind of moment.

If you're skeptical that a human being could be so morally depraved as to congratulate their child for recommending the slaughter, by bombing, of the population of multiple cities, for (possibly) some kind of sexual immorality, take a look at Proverbs 22:6:

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Perhaps this child should be taken away from his parents by the state?  This is cognitive abuse.

Cartoon Extravaganza

Get your Danish cartoons and a brief history of the controversy at You're the Man Now Dog.  Or, if you prefer, access the Mohammed Image Archive to see a history of depictions of the prophet ranging all the way from beautiful images dating from Ancient Persia through recent responses to the Danish cartoons.  Many, but not all, of these images are offensive, and the most offensive depictions are only linked.  (The highly recommended archive has the Danish cartoons, but you can also find them at the Brussels Journal.)  Now, in order to go some way towards justifying the cartoon accompanying this post (which contains a common example of Arab cartoonist work), why don't we take a brief look at some of what appears in newspapers in the Islamic world?  I bring you the following links courtesy of the Anti-Defamation League: the nazi jews, more nazi jews, a jew watering a nazi-jewish flower, a long list, a swastika superimposed on the star of david, born to kill.  Tom Gross, a Mideast media analyst, prefers his cartoons bloody.  According to the Guardian, an Iranian newspaper will be bringing you holocaust denying cartoons (as if there weren't enough of those in the Arab media already) to "see if they [Western papers] mean what they say [about freedom of expression."  A noble cause that will do Mohammed proud.  Because I'm an equal opportunity basher, however, I'll point to some folks, namely the Infidel Blogger's Alliance, who have poorly opted to exercise their right to act like jerks.  The last of the cartoons I have to offer, Republican Jesus, can be found at exgaywatch.  The comments thread there is occupied by some peeved Republicans and Christians, but at least they aren't planning on firebombing anything. I leave you with Sura 6:68 and Sura 9:23 of the Qur'an:

And when thou seest those who meddle with Our revelations,  withdraw from them until they meddle with another topic. - linked at submission.org

Along with something called the "progressive Muslim" interpretation:

And if you encounter those who make fun of Our revelations, then turn away from them until they move on to a different topic. - submission.org

Then again, there's always this:

O ye who believe ! fight such of the disbelievers as are near to you and let them find hardness in you; and know that Allah is with the righteous. - submission.org

Amusing ID Court Transcript Excerpts

Rothschild is questioning (for the prosecution) Behe.

Q.  That purposeful arrangement of parts, that's not -- you didn't originate that?
A.  No, I didn't.
Q.  At least, it goes back to Reverend Paley?
A.  Yes, it does.  Further back than that.
Q.  Now let's start with the bacterial flagellum.  You've made a point about how complicated and intricate it is?
A.  Yes.
Q.  And it really is.  I mean, it looks remarkable.  But a lot of biological life is pretty remarkable?
A.  That makes me very suspicious.
Q.  You're suspicious about how remarkable biological life is?
A.  No, it makes me suspicious, you know -- that was a joking way to say that I think much of biological life may bespeak design.

Q.  Fair enough.  The entire human body, that's an amazing biological structure?
A.  I'm thinking of examples.
Q.  Hopefully, not mine.
A.  Rest assured.  Sure.  Yes.

Q.  Do you watch football, Professor Behe?
A.  I do on occasion, yes.
Q.  I watched the Notre Dame/USC game last weekend.  It was quite a game?
Mr. Muise: I might have to interpose an objection here, Your Honor.
Mr. Rothschild: I told Mr. Muise his alma mater did themselves proud, despite the final result.
Q:  And one of the things the announcer said was about one of the USC offensive linemen is, he's like a mountain?
A.  Yes.

The Overwhelming Presence of the Porcelain God

Since Lindsay has hilariously ripped into Jesusy Anne Lamott for begging to be pilfered from, I'll follow up with a few juicy tidbits:

When she first sensed Jesus' physical presence during her conversion 17 years ago, some people dismissed the experience because she was hungover.

How dare those people question the veridicality of an experience had while in an altered (for the worse) state of mind!

By the second time she met up with Jesus, she had been sober for over 10 years. She ran into him in an airplane lavatory...  All of a sudden, she felt the urge to go into the restroom—but not for the usual reasons. She went to the bathroom and closed the door. "I started hearing this song, 'Just As I Am,' " she says. "I sat on the toilet, with my knees pulled up, and I started to sing it. And I absolutely, as clearly as I hear your voice now, felt Jesus. I opened my eyes and he didn't go away. I didn't see him like I'm seeing photographs on the wall, but I saw him with my spiritual eyes."  She sat there for about ten minutes mumbling, "Hi, Lord Jesus, hi." ("I've heard various preachers say that Jesus is only as far away as his name," she says.) Then she got quiet and felt Jesus holding her "like a little worried kid."

Frankly, that's a relatively disgusting visual image.  Due to excessive use in a very short period of turbulent time, airplane toilets are hardly sanitary.  It seems that Anne's Jesus has no respect for human decency.  For God's sake, Jesus had her rocking back and forth in a little ball humming and talking to herself on an overused public toilet like someone in the loony bin!  What prompts people to share these stories?  [Via Christianity Today]

Another Robertson Rant

There's something very near to Pat Robertson's heart: Jesus.  Unfortunately, it's blocking the bloodflow to his brain.  What Pat needs is some reverse open heart surgery to get that thing out of his chest.  Unfortunately, he likely wouldn't stabilize post-op.  As old as he is, the recognition that his entire life has been a waste would be too traumatizing.  As I posted here, voters kicked out the academically handicapped  religious rightwingers who were sitting on the Dover school board.  Poor Pat is pissed:

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover. If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there. [PFAW Video: Broadband or Dialup]

I guess that's intended as a threat.   Scary.  I suppose it would be like the god of the OT to punish the entire city of Dover based upon the (eminently rational) decisions of the voters.  If god were really irritated that he's being kept out of science classes, let him speak up.

MegaChurch CinePlex

Left Behind: World at War, the third movie in what will probably be an almost unending series of bad Christian films based on the apocalyptic books by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins - two authors who actually believe that Armageddon is not only close at hand, but will proceed much in line with their best-selling prophetically grounded fiction - has been released in churches across the country.  (As an aside, there are unpersuasive non-religious reasons for thinking the world might end in the near future, viz, the Doomsday Argument explained here and here.)  But that's off-topic, so here's a defense of the "church theatrical release" strategy, which, according to my calculation, certainly hasn't generated any profit on its own.   

Despite their public claims, I suspect the real reason that W@W was released in churches had to do with the film sucking so badly that an insignificant number of theatres would have picked it up.  The first film, Left Behind: The Movie, grossed only $4.2 million.  Then, Left Behind: Tribulation Force managed to open on a whole twenty screens.  This means that the only way left for Cloud Ten Productions to market their quackery-cum-poor-entertainment to their paranoid audience is to use the religious distribution system already in place.  A little business savvy and a gullible audience is all you need to sell junk.  TheMegaChurch CinePlex has arrived!

Obviously, the corporate line isn't that the movie has been relegated to megachurch projection screens because it sucks.  Instead, they claim that the "church theatrical release" is designed to get Hollywood's attention by letting Hollywood know just how many concerned Christians there are out there who can't stand sex, drugs, and violence.  This (which is empirically false unless we restrict the appelation "Christian" to boring fundies) would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.  As if any of these essential "evil" plot elements are ever going to disappear.  Instead, Christians everywhere are being guilt-tripped by brilliant marketing execs into watching a crappy movie they wouldn't otherwise have watched because they need to make a religious point and take a stand for Jesus against the Hollywood empire.

According to my analysis, 2991 churches in the US and Canada paid for the rights to show W@W as many times as they liked over a three day period (which will be immediately followed by the DVD release in stores).  2811 of the churches were in the US, with only CA (221), TX (217), FL (198), PA (134), OH (132), NC (122), GA (115), and VA (115) breaking the 100 church barrier.  These numbers come from the movie's website, although the WP reports 3,200 screens.  While this is a large release screenwise, a claim that's being trumped up as some sort of religious triumph, it's meaningless.  The movie can only be shown for three days (Oct. 21 - 23).  Just how many people do you think are going to hit up these churches for a bad religious film followed by a sermon?  Some 45,000,000 people paid to see Meet the Fockers.  I suspect that well under 2,000,000 will be watching Left Behind (for a pass of the collection plate).

If we assume the average licensing fee just was the mid-range offer for $99.00 (for a church with 100-499 members), then the film's release grossed under $300,000.  If, per impossible, the average was double that (i.e., the maximum price, what a 1000+ member church would pay),  they still didn't make $600,000.  Any reasonable estimate will fall within this range, and probably on the low side as well.  Nevertheless, with the accompanying DVD value packs sold in bulk to churches at rock bottom prices, this is probably the best way for Cloud Ten to cut their losses.

The WP article quotes one of the producers as saying:

I tell everyone, the most important 10 minutes of this movie is not on film. It's when the pastor gets up afterwards and shares the gospel with the people who are there and invites them to make a decision for Christ," said Peter Lalonde, an evangelical Christian whose own conversion occurred 22 years ago after seeing a Billy Graham film, "The Prodigal."

  But while "I have my religious reasons" for releasing the film in churches, he added, "as a businessman, I also have reasons."

Ugh.  I suspect it has been a big weekend for heaven. 

For the curious, state by state data in comma seperated value form is below the fold.

25th Carnival of the Godless

The carnival is up.  See it at The Common Man.  I believe there's something about canine rimming in there too, but you'll have to go check for yourself.

Sunday Sermonette: Kiss Hank's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first.

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

[More below the fold!]